Statistics and research- that's what I do for a living. So I've been hard at work: 457 is not a model or type of plane, it's the office average consensus. I tried to be partial, factual, and fair and balanced ... but the scale is one-sided.
Large Man works for a TV rating company. He resides in a space meant for two employees. His chair, or lack thereof, is a topic of great debate. Some believe he has a special chair to accommodate his mass. Others believe he needs no chair; rather, he sits on parts of himself. He arrives to work via “special car.” He can’t fit through the turn-stops in the subway. Lunch is fun. Typically McDonalds is delivered from around the corner. He is notified by phone when his order arrives. He then walks 100 yards to the elevator, descends 14 stories, and walks 50 feet. Next, he collects his number 2, 4, and 7 combo meals. Large Man double-checks his order to ensure two chocolate milkshakes arrived in place of two sodas. He returns to his desk dripping in sweat.
His phone is permanently set to the loudest possible volume. It must be difficult to hear with excess skin in and around the ears. On October 6, 2009, Large Man ordered from an unknown restaurant. The end of the order conversation:
LM: Make sure you put lots and lots of salt and pepper in the bag. Last time you said you would and you didn’t.
Fast Food Employee (FFE): Yes Sir, we will do that for you.
LM: Do it right now, please.
FFE: Right this second?
LM: Yep.
FFE: Uh … OK. (Pause) I did it.
LM: OK, reach back into your stash and put two more handfuls in my bag.
FFE: Sure, we’ll be there in 15 minutes. (Click)
LM: (CLICK) BLEEPity Bleeping BLEEPS!
His superiors demand he wear suits on days when he must meet with clients (rumors and speculations of a company force-quit spread like butter). He is trying to oblige. He spends countless hours on the phone discussing the dimensions and specifics of the custom-made garments. “Don’t make the pants like bell-bottoms,” he says. Days later he says, “The pants are too tight on my calves.” His calves are baby cows. Sometimes he orders-in veal.
Large Man speaks ill of co-workers. He speaks loud with vulgarity. Large Man doesn’t hear well, so he is unaware of his own earsplitting voice, which is probably worsening his already bad hearing. There are many bathrooms located on his floor. He can use only one stall in one bathroom. This stall is the furthest possible point of relief from Large Man’s desk. He is a living (knock on wood) reminder to all those with whom he works. It has been said, “You are what you eat.” Eventually, some people turn into their job. He is a desk job.
Things Large Man Shakes:
A group of 10 cubicles
Anything on any desk within 20 feet
Confidence in Mankind
His breathing pattern
His voice
The ground
Mice - Screen savers on nearby computers do not activate when left unattended
Lastly, he is a Notre Dame fan. He and the team's coach are two compelling reasons for me to choose another team. Oh, and he snorts.
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